The Concept of Us

“Is that your husband?”, the young man asked as he gestured toward the picture of me grinning and holding the handsome man in the baby blue shirt.

I looked at the smiles on our faces, smirked, and said, “We’ll see…”

I put up his picture, our picture, because it occurred to me that I wasn’t really wrapping my head around the concept of us together…possibly forever?


A few things about me…

I’m a fiercely independent woman.
I’m the middle child of three and I grew up with MANY of the stereotypical middle child issues.
I’ve been a single mother for close to 8 years and my twins are still in elementary school. For far too long, I’ve felt as if I’m in this by myself and have settled in my head that I will face the world like that.
I’ve also talked and fantasized about being married again.

In my mind, this husband and I laugh at the silly things our children do, have inside jokes, disagree about which restaurant makes a better burger and generally speaking, do life together. Life feels comfortable.
In my mind.
Also, this fantasy husband in my head didn’t spit, burp or fart…or at least not that I could hear or smell.
He didn’t have his own hangups, baggage, or need space when it was inconvenient for me.
He was human, but not quite as human as I am.

Ultimately, this fantasy man was not real.

So, here I am, in a situation that I don’t quite understand.We are friends, but not with sexual benefits.
The chemistry is palpable but restrained.
Sometimes he’s the most open man on the planet, sometimes he’s Captain Silent.
With all of this happening, I began questioning myself,
Do I want there to be an us?
When was the last time I felt like I was a part of an ‘us’?
Have I ever felt like I was an ‘us’ or even WANTED there to be an ‘us’?

The answers to these questions cause me to examine my intentions more and more with each passing second.
When I think back to my high school sweetheart, did I feel like an we were an item?

What about handsome, hunky 20s guy who I just KNEW I was going to marry? Did I feel like we were an item?

I don’t even really have to ask about my first marriage.That was, shall we say, broken from the start and I think I held us together for the kids for a time, but ultimately, we were never an ‘us’.

So, if I’ve never felt like I was part of a pair, an item, an ‘us’, what have I been doing?
Do I want there to be an ‘us’?
Am I working to just have a roommate I find sexy and funny or am I willing to become one with him? A spiritual oneness that changes my idea of what the covenant of marriage really is?

I don’t have an ending to this blog as I’m still working through this but I guess I’m willing to share because I don’t believe in waiting until the end of a thing before sharing that something is changing.